


Memories: Timestamps

by Tennyo



Series: Memories [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Amnesia, Canon Divergence, Gen, Hospitalization, M/M, Major Character Injury, Pining, Post-Episode: s09e07 Bad Boys, Sam's angel possession, timestamps
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2018-10-23 03:40:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10711440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tennyo/pseuds/Tennyo
Summary: Follow along the other characters' POV before & during Building a Memory.





	1. Bugbear Hunt

**Author's Note:**

> Expect delays in between chapters, I've found myself more busy than I care to be of late.  
> Tags/rating changes will be added with new chapters.
> 
> Chapter 1: Before BaM  
> Chapter 2: Also before BaM  
> Chapter 3: BaM Chaps 1&2  
> Chapter 4: BaM Chaps 3-4

They leave Hurleyville on their way back to the Bunker. Dean has been thinking of it as “home” for a while, and he likes that thought, of going home. But it’s been a long past few days, and they’re not as young as they used to be, so they stop just outside a town called Wooster for the night, and get the usual, crappy motel. While settling between rough, stale sheets, Dean thinks about his memory foam mattress and soft sheets that smell like his new favorite fabric softener.

Sam passes out right away, but Dean needs a while to wind down from the road and the memories from Sonny’s. Seeing the old place stirred up a lot of forgotten stuff. Especially meeting Robin again. Damn, he really had a thing for her. He really liked Sonny’s, he had felt like he belonged. Not that he’ll ever tell a soul. No, he had to be there for Sammy, watch out for him, protect his little brother when their dad was out on jobs.

He always has to leave.

For a moment, Dean pictures the look on Cas’ face when he left the guy behind in Rexford. The two memories try to transpose over top of each other, and Dean is _so_ not going there. He’s not going to think about how much he wanted to drag Cas back to Kansas, or stay another day or two in a hotel, just hang around and visit, make sure Cas was sleeping right.

Shit. Cas didn’t want to admit it, but Dean figured out pretty quick the guy didn’t have a regular place to sleep. Instead of actually mentioning it though, he just dragged Cas to a late-night drive through and back to his motel room, where he helped take care of his hurt hand at least, insisting Cas sleep in the extra bed too. Just to keep an eye on him. Dean had almost tried paying for a week at the motel for Cas, but didn’t know how he’d react to that. Hell, maybe the guy actually had a place, but was ashamed of it, didn’t want Dean to see it. If there’s one thing Dean understands, it’s being ashamed of where you’ve been living.

With a sigh, Dean wipes a hand down his face and wishes for a beer. He’d just told himself he wasn’t going to think about Cas. Rolling over, Dean tries to ignore how flat the pillow is beneath his head, or how it smells. He tries to not think of the angel inhabiting his brother’s body, or the fallen one thousands of miles away, possibly sleeping on a convenience store floor. The last thing he definitely does _not_ think about is if Cas has a pillow at all.

* * *

Sam drags himself into consciousness. Some days are better than others, but recuperating from the trials is taking a long time. Once he manages to open his eyes, he sees that Dean’s not in the room, his bag already packed and ready to go. Large quantities of coffee are required. And a shower. Having to bend over to get his head wet under the weak spray, Sam misses the showers at the bunker. While he doesn’t think he’ll ever consider it as some place permanent, it does have some nice amenities.

Clean and dressed, Sam heads over to the diner next to the motel, where he finds Dean chatting up the old waitress over the last of his hashbrowns. Ignoring his brother’s antics, he slumps into the empty booth seat and turns over his cup to help himself to the coffee carafe sitting on the table. He grabs a laminated menu and hopes for something with vegetables on the breakfast menu.

Making good time on the highways, since Dean refuses to use interstates when he can help it, they stop for dinner just south of Des Moines. There’s a Biggerson’s here, and even though they’ve had their share of incidents in the chain, at least the menu’s consistent.

This one has a widescreen TV for sports events, and they’re close enough to hear it when the news comes on. There’s been some kind of disturbance over towards the Nebraska border, campers missing, the usual. It’s when there’s mention of some kind of mutant bear that Sam’s ears perk up. Curious, he pulls out his phone and starts checking out news feeds for more information. It’s a local paper for a town near the wilderness area that catches his attention.

Fully aware he’s going to have to wipe the grease off later, Sam slides his phone across the table to Dean. “Hey, check this out.” His phone is zoomed in on the important part of an article where someone is describing catching a ‘mutant bear’ rummaging through a campground’s trash.

Surprisingly, Dean never puts down his burger, and just looks down at the article. “Yeah? What about it, Sammy?” he says around a mouthful.

Frustrated, Sam puts down his fork and leans forward to tap his phone’s screen. “This description looks familiar, Dean. We both know what’s big, looks like a bear, but isn’t.”

Grunting, Dean puts down his burger and picks up the phone. Bonus, there’s a smear of special sauce on it now. Ugh. “Dunno, man. Could be nothing.”

“Dean.”

“What?” Dean swallows his mouthful. “Besides, you’re still not at one hundred percent yet. Hell, you’re barely to seventy five on most days.” He tosses the phone back onto the tabletop.

“It’s practically on the way back, and if it’s what I think it is, this should be an easy one.” Sam slides his phone back to his side of the table and tries to not make a face at the smears across the thing. Dean’s been weird about his recovery lately. Sure, it’s been rough, but he is getting better. And sitting around the bunker is just going to make them both soft.

“How about it? We’ll stop by, stay the night, and if it’s nothing, we won’t have to wait on the Hastings WalMart to open the next morning.”

The reminder that the Hastings WalMart isn’t 24 hours clinches the decision for Dean, and after finishing their meal, they head for a wilderness area north of Omaha. By the time they arrive, it’s late. There’s one of those RV campgrounds, and it takes almost nothing to break into an unused seasonal RV to crash in ‘til morning.

Their investigation reveals a lot of people that don’t know what’s going on, and even more rumor. Nobody can agree even on the color of the bear. They’re filling up at a small gas station when they get their first real lead. The owner can be heard in the back room complaining about dumpster diving, and they use the forest ranger ploy to get a peek at the security footage.

Well, it definitely looks like a bear at first glance. But bears don’t have the large and pointy ears that are characteristic of a bugbear. They also don’t use tools as often, either. On the grainy security footage, they watch as the “bear” picks up a long, hefty stick to flip over the dumpster lid before hauling itself in. Great. Bugbears are usually harmless. When they live in a proper wilderness area with plenty of space to roam. But when people start disturbing their habitats, it can get bad. Now Sam just hopes there’s only one of them.

The afternoon is spent poring over geographical surveys of the region, looking for caves and other places wildlife might nest. It’s while studying Google Maps that Dean finds the old cabin. They decide to not wait another night, and go check it out. They really should have waited.

Sam grows increasingly tired the deeper they trudge into the forest, and when they come to the barely-standing cabin at twilight, he volunteers to keep an eye out while Dean checks inside. There’s a crash, and a surge of adrenaline wakes Sam up enough to try to kick down the door, but something must have fallen behind it. Calling for Dean, Sam tries to find another way in, and looks through a grimy window just in time to watch as the roof collapses on Dean and the bugbear both.

There’s a lapse of time that Sam just can’t account for, but he comes to with his cell phone in hand, Dean on the ground and unconscious, bleeding onto the forest floor. Seeing his brother’s blood and his arm bent at an unnatural angle, Sam quickly dials for help. Outer shirt sacrificed into strips to stem the flow of blood and bind the broken arm, he waits for the nearest rescue team. They’re airlifted and taken to Mercy in Sioux City.

Sam knows he’s partially in shock, because it takes him half the helicopter ride to realize he should call Jody. Sioux City is close enough to Sioux Falls. Once at Mercy, Sam loses track of Dean while they cart him off to emergency surgery. Sam’s given an examination, diagnosed with exhaustion and mild shock, asked some basic questions, then given a cot to sleep on while he waits on his brother. It’s surprising that he’s able to sleep at all, but he wakes to Jody gently shaking him awake. Jolting upright, Sam nearly topples over, but Jody catches him, and says Dean’s still being treated.

Broken arm, busted ribs, neck wound, head trauma, blood loss. Jody explains that as soon as Dean’s stable, they’re taking him to Sioux Falls General. Sam feels dizzy and a little sick. When it’s time, Dean’s airlifted, and Jody drives Sam to Sioux Falls. He still hasn’t seen his brother since he was unloaded from the first helicopter.

It was just a damn bugbear.


	2. Discovering Gadreel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2: Still before the events of BaM
> 
> Listen, I decided I was not going to try to get Gadreel to speak in pentameter, because I kind of suck at that.   
> Next chapter, Dean should wake up.

Castiel is settled down for the night in the Gas n Sip stock room, curled up in his sleeping bag when his phone dings, letting him know he has a text message. It’s short but alarming:

> _It’s Sam. Call me ASAP._

With a spike of worry, Castiel sits up and doesn’t hesitate. The first ring doesn’t even finish before Sam picks up, and his voice is shaky. “Cas? Oh God. It’s Dean.”

Castiel has felt fear before. But his reaction at those words is unlike anything he has yet to experience. He’s immediately awash with cold and his scalp tingles.

_Dean_.

Heart in his throat, he tries to form words. “What… what’s happened?” is all he manages to choke out.

There’s a long, drawn out breath, and some shuffling on the other end of the line. “We were on a hunt…”

Unable to move, Castiel sits in horror as Sam recounts what little he can remember about the encounter and Dean’s resulting injuries. When Sam finally falls silent, Castiel stares blankly at the wall, unable to react. “Cas? You still there?”

He shakes himself, and answers, “Yes, sorry. You said… They say he’s… stable?” The words fall flat inside the stockroom, his mind abuzz with the injuries Sam described, vivid pictures painted in his mind.

“Yeah. They transferred him to Sioux Falls General. If it weren’t for Jody... “ Sam pauses, and Castiel can hear him breathe into the phone. “Listen. I’m not sure what’s up with you right now, but if you want to come, I can tell them you’re family.”

There’s no hesitation when Castiel replies, “Of course I want to come.”

“Yeah, okay. I’m gonna give the phone to Jody, so she can help you arrange how to get here. Just a sec.”

He’s handed off to a pleasant sounding woman who seems like she’s used to handling emergent situations. She helps him book a bus ticket that leaves the next day. In the back of his mind, he realizes that someone will have to cover his shifts. Their conversation ends, and Castiel drops the hand still clamped around the phone into his lap.

Dean’s injured. Seriously. And there’s not a damn thing Castiel can do about it, because he’s graceless, human. It was impulse that had Castiel agreeing to go to Sioux Falls, but what good can he do when he’s there, other than get in the way? His phone pings with the confirmation for his bus ticket. He has to force his hand free of the phone from where he’s been gripping it so tightly, his fingers having become stiff.

Staring down at the date and time of the one-way ticket to Sioux Falls, Castiel contemplates cancelling. But Sam had seemed to want him there, and Jody didn’t question his right to be at Dean’s side. Maybe he can just stop by, check on things. See Dean. Surely by the time he arrives, Dean will be awake and complaining. Castiel braces himself as he brings up Nora’s phone number. She won’t be happy that he’ll be asking for time off with such short notice.

* * *

When Castiel arrives in Sioux Falls, he panics when he sees the Sheriff’s vehicle waiting at the curb, the woman dressed in uniform waving him over. Having never met Jody Mills in person, he has to remind himself that he’s not in trouble, that the woman with short brown hair is a friend of the Winchesters. She surprises him with a hug.

“So you’re Cas, huh?” Jody steps back and gives him a look up and down.

Castiel nods. “Yes.”

“Well, unless we have to wait on a suitcase?” She pauses, and Cas shakes his head. “I have an issue to deal with on the other end of town, so I’ll have to drop you off at the hospital.”

Uneasy with the thought of having his belongings discovered at work without him there, Castiel had brought everything with him. That being the case, all he places in the back of her car is a duffel bag and a tightly rolled sleeping bag. During the drive, Jody tries to make conversation.

“Sam says you’re getting used to being human? Have a job and all that?”

It’s strange talking about this with someone. “Yes. I was allowed time off to come and visit Dean.”

Humming in acknowledgement, Jody focuses on the road. “That’s good.”

The rest of the ride to the hospital is tensely quiet, and Castiel feels relieved when he’s dropped off in front of the building, Jody saying she’ll be back after work to check up on things. Already knowing Dean’s room number, Castiel avoids the front desk and looks for the elevator.

Once on the correct floor, he slowly makes his way to Dean’s room. He finds himself hesitant, anxious to see the man’s condition. Is he awake yet? How is Sam handling things? He pauses at the door and takes a deep breath. He’s seen Dean in the hospital before. He can do this.

Castiel opens the door and steps inside the dimly lit room, spotting the figure in the bed right away. Bandages, tubes, wires, if he didn’t know it was Dean under all of it, he doesn’t think he could tell. As a matter of fact, if Sam wasn’t staring up at him from a chair next to the bed, Castiel would wonder if he was in the right room. It suddenly becomes very difficult to breathe.

“Cas?” Sam rocks stiffly out of his chair and comes to the door to wrap his arms around Castiel, who still has yet to move from the doorway. Leaning heavily against him, Sam says with a tired voice, “I’m glad you’re here, man.”

Patting Sam on the back, Castiel braces his legs and back to help hold him up. After a moment, Sam sighs and lets up, grasping Castiel’s shoulders. He looks like he hasn’t slept. “Dean will be glad you’re here.”

They both glance over at the bed, then Castiel clears his throat. “How is he?”

“They say there’s no swelling, but he still hasn’t woken up yet.” Sam turns and sits back in the chair he’d been previously occupying. He rests his clasped hands on the bed. “They can't say when he will wake up, though. We’ve both had plenty of head injuries, and they say that…” Sam swallows and takes a breath. “That the more head injuries you’ve had, the longer it might take.”

“Oh.” Castiel makes himself look at the figure lying on the bed. Except for his chest moving up and down, he’s so very still. Feeling completely useless, he forces himself to notice the plastered arm, the bandages around Dean’s neck and head, the tubes coming out of his nose, the wires and IV tubing sprouting from the edge of the blanket.

If he were still an angel, he could heal Dean. But he’s not. Why is he even here? As if Sam could hear his thoughts, he shifts and reaches for Dean’s hand. “Hey, Dean? Cas is here. You’d like to see him, wouldn’t you?”

Sam glances up at Castiel. “You wanna say hi?”

Castiel glances at where Sam’s holding Dean’s hand in both of his own. _Why would Dean want to see me?_ He thinks. “Dean? Hello. It’s Cas.” This is awkward. “Sam said you wanted to see me? Well, I’m here. When you wake up.”

Swallowing around a lump in his throat, Castiel turns away. _No. If Sam can keep it together, then so can you._ “I… I need to get a drink of water.”

“Down the hall, around the corner on your left,” Sam says with a soft voice.

After a long day of sitting in awkward silence and watching Dean sleep, Jody arrives, insisting they come to her house for food and showers. During the drive, Castiel sits next to his meager belongings, behind Jody and Sam who converse quietly about Dean’s condition. He has nothing to add to the conversation, and once again wonders why he’s even here.

Arriving at her house, Castiel is led to an empty bedroom where he can deposit his things. He hasn’t seen the inside of many actual homes, and he takes his time following the sounds of Sam and Jody in the kitchen, taking in the colors, textures, and shapes of Jody’s house. When he joins them in the kitchen, they’re making sandwiches, and ask what he would like on his. Not wanting to impose, he says, “Whatever you’re having.”

Castiel sits at the dining table and eats slow. It doesn’t taste over-salted and processed like what he usually eats, and it’s wonderful. The bread is still soft and fresh, instead of stale and soggy like the past-date discounted sandwiches he gets from the store usually are. Sam wolfs down his food, takes a quick shower, and returns to the hospital. Jody suggests Castiel get a good night’s sleep and go back during the day. He agrees.

The next morning, Jody drops him off on her way to the station. Expecting to see Sam sleeping awkwardly in his chair, Castiel enters the room to instead see a blue-white glow from Sam’s hand, lowering toward Dean’s head. Blinking in shock, Castiel can only think to say, “Sam?”

Eyes flashing blue, Sam stands upright, panicked. That’s… not Sam. Automatically slipping into a fighting stance, Castiel demands, “Who are you, and what have you done to Sam?”

But what is Castiel supposed to do in this situation? He left his blade at Jody’s, thinking it would be unneeded.

“Castiel, I…” The angel in Sam’s body pauses, as if unsure.

“Are you the one that did this to Dean?” Castiel tries a threatening tone.

Hands out in supplication, the angel in Sam’s body says, “No! I… I was going to try to heal him…”

Eyes squinted in distrust, Castiel asks, “Then why didn’t you do it before now?”

The angel explains Sam’s condition, how weak he really is, and how much effort it takes to keep him functional. It’s apparently difficult to keep any extra power while trying to keep Sam mobile and healing. Castiel knew it was bad before, when Dean had first explained, but the thought chills him.

“Does Sam know?”

“No.” The angel explains that a _yes_ had been coerced, with Dean’s insistence.

Standing at full height, Castiel asks, realizing he doesn’t recognize the angel, “Who are you?”

Sam’s eyes look away. “I told Dean I was Ezekiel.”

Castiel remembers now, what Dean had said about Ezekiel being willing to heal Sam. He hadn’t expected it to happen in such an unorthodox manner at the time. He also knows Ezekiel, and this angel isn’t them.

“You’re _not_ ,” he says.

“No.”

“Then who are you?” Castiel crosses his arms. While he knew the angels were looking for vessels, who would have been desperate to take one by coercion?

“Promise you won’t have me cast out,” the angel asks desperately.

“Who. Are. You.” He refuses to promise anything until he knows the truth.

“I mean it, Castiel, Sam _needs_ me.”

“Who!” Truth is, Castiel should, even in his weakened state, recognize an angel he’s met before. It bothers him that he can’t tell who this is.

Eyes cast down, the angel says his name is Gadreel.

Castiel reels at the news. This means that Heaven is truly empty, if those who had been imprisoned are now free to take vessels. Not only that, but the angel responsible for letting Lucifer himself into the Garden is now in Sam’s body. Everything that has happened to humanity… and subsequently, Heaven, is all Gadreel’s fault. _Everything_. And here is Castiel, Graceless and effectively useless to do anything.

He lets out a shout of anger before he realizes where they are. Dean’s lying in the bed, broken and unconscious. In a hospital. If Castiel causes a scene, they will draw unneeded attention. Hands balled into fists at his sides, teeth clenched, Castiel paces back and forth in front of the door. This is… this is terrible.

After calming down, a little, Castiel insists Sam know the truth.

“But he will die if I am expelled!”

The words pierce Castiel’s chest. If the worst happens, and Gadreel is telling the truth, how will Dean react upon waking? “That’s Sam’s choice.”

Eyes flashing blue again, Sam’s consciousness returns to his body. “Uh, Cas? When did you get here?”

“I have something to tell you, Sam.”

He asks Sam to sit in a chair, and pulls up another one to be seated beside him. This must be handled delicately, and Castiel feels inadequate for the task. First, he asks if Sam has been aware of any missing time.

“Yeah, but I thought it was just because I was still healing, falling asleep sitting up and stuff.”

With as much tact as he can muster, Castiel explains to Sam that he’s not as healthy as he thinks, that an angel is still healing him. Confused, Sam asks how.

“Do you remember, before waking up in the hospital after the last trial, having agreed to anything while in a dream-state?”

After a moment, Sam replies, “Well, yeah, there was this weird thing that was some sort of dream? And Dean said…” His eyes go wide. “Cas, what did I agree to?”

Reminding Sam that his body is still weak and not as healed as he believes, Castiel tells Sam that there is an angel sharing his body. He doesn’t react as badly as expected, although Castiel suspects some manipulation on Gadreel’s part. After speaking with Sam, a few moments where his face is blank as he converses with the angel inside, and the explicit agreement that there will be no more taking over Sam’s body without permission, leaving him clueless, the subject turns to Dean.

Sam pushes aside his still visible anger to ask if Gadreel can heal Dean. The ramifications of Dean suddenly healing are discussed, and they decide that the least they can try to do is wake him up. With them all in agreement, Gadreel comes forward, promising that Sam is still conscious and watching. He stands by the head of the bed, pressing two fingers to Dean’s forehead. They glow, and after a moment, the glow fades, Gadreel dropping his hand.

“I’ve done all I can, but there is something wrong, something I cannot repair,” Gadreel says.

When Gadreel fades back into Sam’s subconscious, the man stumbles a little. “Wow, okay. I guess you guys weren’t kidding that Gadreel’s the only thing keeping me upright.”

Apparently, the effort took more out of the angel than expected. They agree that as long as Dean’s life isn’t in danger, they shouldn’t try to heal him any more for now.

Now all they can do is wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, if you need me to add tags, have comments, whatever, feel free to speak up!


	3. Now what?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3:  
> Through chapters 1 & 2 of BaM  
> Sam POV

The next few days are a trial in patience. Sam’s had to hang around in hospitals before, but this is maddening. It’s never takes either of them this long to wake up from a relatively minor injury. He thinks about asking Gadreel to try waking Dean up again, more than once. But if what he’s been told is true, he’s actually in worse shape than Dean, with the angel hitching a ride the only thing holding him together.

That said, he’s still mad at his brother for tricking him into it, even as he sits at Dean’s bedside, waiting for him to wake up. With Cas here, Sam goes back to Jody’s more often than the first couple of days to sleep on something other than a hospital chair, but most of the time the both of them sit quietly, waiting and watching for Dean to wake up.

It’s been over a week since the incident, and Dean is still unconscious. If it goes another day, Sam will force Gadreel to try healing him again. The doctors say that it can take longer to wake up the more head injuries you’ve had. It doesn’t alleviate Sam’s worries, especially when Gadreel said there was something wrong even he couldn't heal.

The doctors leave the room after checking Dean over, and Sam stretches in his chair, his long legs extending under the hospital bed. He lets out a jaw-cracking yawn, and Cas looks up from the paperback he borrowed from Jody.

“If you’re tired, go get some sleep. You know I’ll let you know if anything changes here.”

Shaking his head, Sam slumps in the chair. “No, I’ll be fine for a little longer, just gonna close my eyes a bit.”

And Sam does just that, not noticing that he manages to fall asleep until he’s awakened by the sound of Cas calling his name.

“Huh? What?” Jerking awake in the chair, Sam blinks his eyes open, noticing Cas half out of his chair, staring at Dean. Who is facing Cas, mouth turned down in a scowl, eyebrows scrunched.

“Dean? You awake?”

The scowl intensifies, before Dean’s head turns to face him. He’s waking up! Finally! Sam tells Cas to get a nurse, still focused on his brother who has yet to open his eyes. But he makes a noise that Sam’s used to hearing after hangovers, and that’s a good sign, right? Reaching out, Sam clasps Dean’s hand below the cast.

“Oh thank God, we thought we lost you.” Relief floods through Sam, and he finds himself holding back tears, catching a sob before it can make it past his lips.

A nurse enters the room, Cas on her heels. She tries to get Dean to open his eyes, who seems to resist the idea, until she turns off the overhead light. Slowly, Dean manages to open his eyes, and looks to Sam, who gives his hand a squeeze. With the nurse here, he’s unsure how much to say, so he just gives Dan one of their knowing looks they’ve come to share over the years.

Hyperfocused on Dean, Sam ignores the nurse. Watches as he takes a sip of water, the relief on his face. He doesn’t want to let go when the nurse tells him to, but is rewarded with Dean looking at him again, then Cas, and back to the nurse. Like he’s assessing the surroundings. Dean’s going to be all right, and Sam lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding as the nurse gives his brother a once-over, explaining injuries as she goes. It’s quite the tally.

As soon as the nurse is out of the room again, Sam rushes to try to explain the situation. Honestly, if it weren’t for Jody, they’d both be a little screwed right now. He falls silent, waiting on some response from Dean, but then Dr. Cameron comes in. It will have to wait. She chases both Sam and Cas out into the hall for her examination.

Exhaustion hits as he slumps against the wall, Cas at his side. She lets them back in when she summons a nurse with something injectable for Dean’s pain, and Sam takes up his position back at Dean’s side. They’re warned that Dean’s going to sleep again from the drugs, and Sam grasps his hand to let him know he’ll be here for him. Cas leans forward, a hand on Dean’s other arm, whispering an apology.

It’s only a moment before his face smoothes out again, and the doctor summons the both of them to her office. Doctor Cameron is petite, and Sam towers above her as they make their way into the room. As he folds himself into a chair, the exhaustion and nerves of the past couple of days catch up. He’s really glad Cas is here.

The doctor warns them to expect Dean to be unconscious more than awake for a couple of days still, because of the pain. However, he seemed lucid during her examination, which is a good sign.  “We’ll hopefully know more the next time he wakes. In the meantime, I suggest the both of you go back home and get some rest yourselves.” She looks pointedly at Sam, who is obviously the one worse for wear between him and Cas. After a few more minutes of explaining what to expect from here, she ushers them out of her office.

Sam leads Cas back to Dean’s room, where he appears peaceful in his drug-induced slumber. Another wave of exhaustion rolls over Sam, and he suggests they both go back to Jody’s for food and showers. _And a nap_ , he thinks to himself.

Dean wakes up again the next day, while Sam is working on something for another hunter on his laptop. Sam looks up to see his brother’s eyes are open, and closes the laptop, all his focus on Dean.

“Dean, how are you feeling?”

He’s slow to respond, and Sam can barely make out his request for water, but soon enough has a cup with a straw for Dean to take a drink. At Dean’s next one-word request of ‘where,’ Sam has to think about it for a second, since he mentioned they were at Sioux Falls General last time, until he realizes Dean probably remembers Cas was here before. But Cas had gone back to Jody’s earlier today, since he’d stayed behind last night while Sam crashed out in Jody’s guest room.

After Sam gives Dean a short answer about Cas getting food and a shower, Dean says “Sam” like a question, like he needs something. But what does he need? Placing a hand on Dean’s cast, Sam says, “We were worried, you took over a week to wake up from this one. Doctor says you’re lucky you didn’t crack your skull open.” Not for the first time, Sam silently thanks Gadreel for helping get Dean out of the cabin.

Dean shifts on the bed and winces in pain. Probably from his ribs. Mouth still heavy, he asks what happened. Sam makes sure there’s nobody at the door, asks what Dean remembers, just in case. But Dean’s eyebrows scrunch together, and he frowns.

“Um…” Dean grates out a cough. “Nothing.”

“What do you mean, nothing?” Sam grows worried. How can Dean not remember anything?

Before he can ask more, there’s a knock at the door. Jody rushes in, seeing Dean’s awake. Sam feels a twinge of irrational jealousy at the caring touches she gives Dean. But Sam snaps out of it when she directs a question at him about the hospital asking about the incident. Thankfully, she’s kept them off their backs so far, and he tells her so.

She nods and beckons Cas into the room, who seems extra awkward about being in the same room as Dean now that he’s awake, and he keeps his distance at the end of the bed. After a nurse comes in to check on Dean’s vitals, Sam asks Jody about the leads for the other hunter’s case he’d needed help with. She hasn’t found much yet, so he’ll have to let the other hunter know. Before they can discuss much else, Dean’s doctor comes in and shoos them all out of the room.

Out in the hallway, they wait for the doctor to finish, and Sam gets on his laptop to send the hunter an email with an update about the lack of news so far. By the time he’s finished, the doctor is still talking to Dean, which is starting to leave Sam agitated. Jody’s off to the side talking to Cas about something or another, having taken the ex-angel under her wing so to speak.

Doctor Cameron finally emerges from Dean’s room, but instead of letting them back in, she closes the door behind her. That’s not good. “It appears Dean is suffering from memory loss.”

Okay. They expected that he might have some short-term loss, but the grim look on Dr. Cameron’s face says there’s more to it than just that. “How bad is it?” Sam asks.

She stands a little straighter before replying, “He appears to be showing symptoms of Retrograde Amnesia.”

What? Sam stands there a little stunned. It’s Cas who speaks up next. “How extensive?”

“We’ll need to perform more tests, but he seems to be experiencing full autobiographical and episodic memory loss.”

She begins to explain more, but beeping noises emit from behind Dean’s room, and Sam pushes past the doctor and opens the door to find Dean trying to remove the IV from his arm. Immediately, Sam rushes in to try to calm Dean down.  “What are you doing? Dean, stop!”

But Dean tries to fight him, so Sam uses his physical advantage and Dean’s injuries to hold him to the bed. Once Dean stops struggling, Sam lets him go, but he’s worried. Could the doctor be right, and Dean can’t remember anything? Just to be sure, Sam glances over his shoulder at the door and whispers, “Are you sure you don’t remember anything?”

Dean’s answer hits Sam like a physical blow. “What are you to me?”

Staring down at him in shock, Sam replies, “What? I’m…” He’s interrupted as orderlies push him aside to restrain Dean so the doctor can administer a sedative.

Sam watches as Dean’s limbs grow lax, his head dropping to the pillow, eyes rolling. Pushing one of the orderlies aside, Sam hovers over Dean, watches as his eyes focus and unfocus. They lock briefly on Sam’s face, and Sam grates out, “I’m your brother, Dean. We’re brothers,” just before his eyes roll back and his lids flutter closed.

After all the tubes and wires get reconnected to Dean, Sam, Jody and Cas are herded into an office to have Dean’s condition explained to them, what the amnesia means, and how to progress with further prognosis and treatment. They’re told that the effect could be permanent or temporary, and there’s no way to tell which way it will go, without further testing. She says that usually, cases of complete autobiographical loss but retention of declarative memory are typically psychosomatic.

When Dr. Cameron asks about Dean’s psychological history, Sam thinks of all the things Dean’s witnessed, and seemed to shake off so far. Any one of a long list of crap could have triggered this, but a bugbear hunt is what did it? A memory niggles at the back of Sam’s mind, and he remembers a passage from John’s journal about when Dean went mute for a while after the fire. Shit.

“I… I have to…” Only knowing he can’t sit in that office another moment longer, Sam stumbles out of his chair and into the brightly lit hallway. If Dean can’t remember anything, is he still Dean? What about their lives? How will Sam be able to take him back to the bunker, where a prophet of the Lord and the former King of Hell await their return? And what about Cas, the former angel, with his brethren after his head? Is this what Gadreel couldn’t fix?

Questions swirling in his head, Sam jumps when a hand lands on his shoulder. Cas is standing behind him, looking at him with a solemn expression. “We’ll get through this together, Sam.”

With a weak smile, Sam places his hand over Cas’. “Thanks, we’re gonna need all the help we can get.”

Sam takes a deep breath and lets it out. With a nod to Cas, they head back to Dr. Cameron’s office to discuss where they go from here.

* * *

Later, Sam and Jody are arguing near the foot of Dean’s bed, Cas seated in his usual spot next to Dean, watching him sleep. The doctors suggested a fresh battery of tests. MRIs, CT scans, EEGs. They also suggest visiting one of the resident psychiatric doctors for signs of mental illness.

Left alone to discuss their options, Sam doesn’t want them poking or prodding Dean any more than they need to. They’d already been warned that you can’t trigger memories into returning, that it’s usually a spontaneous thing. But what if Dean’s memories come back while he’s talking to a shrink? What if they don’t come back all at once, and Dean starts raving about vampires and werewolves? What about Hell? If he starts talking, not realizing he shouldn’t, they’d lock him away for sure.

While the experience of Hell has been tempered for Sam since… well, since a lot of things happened, including Cas taking on his madness himself, he does still remember what happened to him in the cage. But Dean… They’d made Dean _do_ things. Dean has had more put on his shoulders at a young age than anyone should, and that included helping raise Sam.

He’s arguing about it with Jody, and there’s a little whisper of _what if_ in the back of his mind. What if Dean didn’t have to remember his childhood trauma? What if he didn’t have to remember Hell? What if Dean could actually live a normal life? One completely free from the Hunter lifestyle? He’d already tried it once with Lisa, but that hadn’t worked, because Dean had already lived through so much. What if he could truly get a fresh start?

Surprisingly enough, even though Jody’s much shorter than Sam, she manages to seem imposing when she’s arguing right in your face. But as much as he respects her opinion, he still needs to think about what would happen if—

Dean managing to grate out two whole sentences have their discussion grinding to a halt, and Sam turns to see him looking at them with a frown. They both make their cases to him, and await his verdict. Thankfully, Dean goes with Sam’s idea to wait, at least for now. Sam hopes they won’t need to wait long.

After fussing about Dean some more, Jody says her goodbyes, leaving the three men alone with each other and their thoughts. The silence is interrupted when Dean asks for some water. Cas is the one with the cup and straw this time, who then suggests Sam go get some rest. This results in Dean giving Sam a critical look, and agreeing with Cas. How can he argue against that? It’s not like Dean actually needs him here, since he can’t remember his own brother who he tricked into…

No. Sam cuts off that train of thought, because it’s not fair right now. Laptop in hand, he stands up and walks to the door. Stopping, he looks Dean, then back at Cas. “I’ll keep my phone on, so feel free to give me a yell if…” He’s not even sure how to finish that, but Cas seems to understand, and tells Sam to rest well. With nothing else to say, Sam walks out the door and down the hall to the elevators.

Once in the Impala, Sam collapses into the seat and lets out a long breath. Shit. What are they supposed to do now? Before he starts the car, he checks his phone to see a missed call from Kevin. Right. They left him in charge of Crowley, the demon who made off with his mom. Sam wouldn’t be surprised to find Kevin’s killed Crowley by the time they… _he_ makes it back to the bunker. Because Dean sure isn’t going any time soon.

Grimacing, Sam punches a button and listens to Kevin rant about whatever Crowley’s told him today to piss him off. Maybe Sam could just stop by the bunker for a few days, give Kevin a break, do some research. As he drives away from the hospital, it becomes a better and better idea.

Maybe that’s what he needs right now? Dean’s in good hands between Jody and Cas. It will give Sam time to clear his head, deal with all the bombshells dropped on them in the past few days. Before he’s made it to Jody’s, Sam is calling Kevin, telling him he’ll be on his way tomorrow.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I know, this one was delayed longer than normal.  
> I never promised timely!


	4. "Normal" life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 4:  
> End of BaM chapter two, barreling through chapters 3 and 4, from Cas' POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry guys, I realize I haven't posted anything in six months, but I've been battling a major writer's block, and have had to drop out of two separate writing challenges. Hopefully, I've finally broken past that, now.

Castiel sits in the chair, watching Dean sleep for some time. He feels guilty for avoiding the truth when Dean outright asked him about what happened. He’d managed to avoid that question, only to get blindsided with a new one, asking if he was his brother. That’s not a title Castiel feels he deserves, and he managed to be truthful while evading the actual question. While Dean has called Castiel family before, it sets a strange ache inside of him whenever he thinks about it. Human emotions are frustratingly complex, because the thought of Dean regarding him “family” causes simultaneous sensations of joy, melancholy, wistfulness, hope, and longing.

But Dean as he is now… He doesn’t know Castiel, or the things he’s done. For this Dean to consider him family… It feels like a lie. This Dean had reached out to him, fingers outstretched, and Castiel had nearly given onto the urge to grasp his hand, settling instead for his wrist. The Dean he knows would never reach out for simple physical comfort that way.

If Sam fully intends to allow Dean to live a normal life if his memories never return, Castiel isn’t sure how to react to this side of Dean. The one who never learned to shield himself and his heart from the world.

Castiel ponders things for some time until a nurse comes to check up on Dean. They’ve spoken before, and she knows Jody well enough to offer Cas a ride home. He’d listened to her story before, and she was around for the dead rising in 2010 as well as what she’d called the “body snatcher incident” of 2011. He asked her once why she’d stayed in Sioux Falls, and she had said that a town like this still needs nurses. Castiel admires her ability to persevere.

“Thank you, Marlene. I hope you don’t feel obligated—”

She waves him off. “None of that now. Any friend of Sheriff Mills or those brothers is a friend of mine.” Marlene places a hand on the doorframe. “You ready to go, or plan on sleeping in that uncomfortable chair again?”

Castiel stands up and stretches his back. The chairs are definitely not made for sleeping, and he’s grown to enjoy actually sleeping in a bed at Jody’s. After a long look at Dean sleeping restfully, Castiel gathers the paperback he’d brought with him and follows her to the parking garage. It’s late, Marlene’s shift having ended at 11PM, and Castiel is surprised to see lights on when he’s dropped off at Jody’s.

Inside, he sees Sam at the dining table, sorting through weapons in his duffle bag. “Is something wrong, Sam?”

Sam glances up at him, not stopping his movements. “Hey,” he clears his throat. “Well, we kind of left Crowley chained up in the bunker’s dungeon, with Kevin watching over him, and I was gonna stop and check on a case along the way…”

Immediately concerned, Castiel asks, “Is there anything I can do to help?”

Sam’s shoulders slump, and he rests his hands on the table. “Actually, it would be great if you could stay here with Jody and keep an eye on Dean?”

What? Sam’s going to entrust Dean’s care to someone else? “Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Look,” Sam turns around, running a hand through his hair. “I talked with Jody. It’s really in Dean’s best interests if he doesn’t know about… what we do… quite yet, so I need to square some things up.”

Last Castiel remembered, Jody disagreed with Sam about that idea. Something must show on his face, because Sam continues. “Listen. Cas, do you remember what you pulled outta my head, after… After.”

Oh yes, he remembers well what it was like, the specter of Lucifer tormenting him. “Yes, but what does this have to do with—”

“Dean was in hell too, remember?”

Castiel narrows his eyes. “Yes, I do. I was the one who pulled him from Perdition, rebuilt his body.”

“And you know what he went through?” Sam’s eyes search his.

“Somewhat.” Yes, Castiel remembers seeing what was left of Dean Winchester’s soul, working over another on the rack.

“Then you must realize what an opportunity this is,” Sam says with desperation. “Dean doesn’t remember Hell, or our messed up childhoods, or heck, even the past few years with the apocalypse hanging over our heads.” Taking a deep breath, Sam leans back against the table. “Don’t you see this as a chance for Dean to finally be happy?”

This makes him pause. Castiel had once asked Dean what he’d prefer, peace or freedom. Could this be his opportunity to give Dean both? “And you?” he asks Sam. “What will you do? Hunt behind Dean’s back for the rest of your lives?”

Sam sets his mouth, shakes his head, and turns back to the table. “No. There are other hunters out there. We could retire, start over. I just have to figure out what to do with Crowley, make sure Kevin’s alright.”

Having glimpsed Dean and Sam’s heavens, Castiel knew that was once Sam’s greatest desire, to live a life outside of hunting. He wonders if that would be enough for the man now. Plus, there is other unfinished business. “There’s also the issues of the angels that will need to be dealt with, and I may need to handle that as well.”

“And you know I’ll help with that.” Sam pauses, eyes distant for a brief moment. “Gadreel says he’ll help, too.”

They stand in silence a moment, before Sam says, “Do you remember when you were Emmanuel?”

Castiel blinks at Sam. Yes, he does remember, what it was like to know nothing but the present, with a gift he didn’t understand but knew how to implement.

“What if you hadn’t been forced to remember, Cas?” Sam asks. “Wouldn’t you have been happier if we hadn’t dragged you back into all this?”

Sam’s words hurt. Yes, Castiel didn’t remember who he was, but had felt, at some level, his connection to Heaven. He’d felt a sense of purpose, even though he didn’t know why. And his affinity for Dean had persisted; he couldn’t resist the man’s pull even though he didn’t remember him.

With a deep sigh Castiel capitulates, agreeing to go along with it. For now.

* * *

The next few days are trying. Castiel never liked lying to Dean, and he struggles to find excuses whenever Dean asks what would normally be innocuous questions. After a few obviously avoidant answers, Dean stops asking. While Castiel is grateful, he still feels bad, so brings something to occupy Dean, some general interest magazines and a puzzle book. Dean has always been smarter than he gave himself credit for, and he proves it by quickly solving many of the puzzles.

When Dean asks Castiel if he needs to go to work, he can’t hold back a bitter laugh. Oh, he’s already used what little goodwill was left between he and Nora and has called to apologize as well as give Jody’s address for his last check. He will give it to Jody for expenses upon its arrival. He wonders where he’ll go when they decide he’s no longer needed here. Right now, nothing is more important than Dean’s health and safety, and he tells him so.

Dean mentions something about Castiel being stuck with him, and he remembers a song he’d heard on the radio during the ride to the hospital. It was an upbeat tune, and Castiel tries to explain it, even though all he can remember is the refrain. Dean’s laugh surprises Castiel, and simultaneously makes him feel guilt at seeing Dean in pain from the effort. But Dean’s request for the song flips Castiel’s emotions back the other way in an instant, and he’s happily typing the lyrics into his phone when Jody arrives and announces that Dean can go home tomorrow.

That evening and the next morning are spent preparing the room he’s been sleeping in for Dean’s arrival. They get a late start at the hospital, and Jody asks for Castiel stay by her side while they fill out discharge paperwork, just in case there’s something she needs help answering. There’s a never ending parade of papers and forms, with “just one more signature.”

Finally they’re led to Dean’s room. Armed with copies of all that paperwork, a bag full of pills, and another with bandages, wraps, and other recovery paraphernalia, Castiel sees the relief on Dean’s face at the sight of them. But there are more explanations as the nurse repeats everything for Dean’s benefit. There are apparently even more forms to fill out, and Jody leaves Castiel behind with Dean to help him change into street clothes.

Helping Dean change isn’t something Castiel had planned on. Dean’s always been so self-sufficient and stubborn, the thought hadn’t even crossed his mind until Dean asks him for help, already untying his hospital gown. Castiel's brain attempts to go offline. Once he regains composure, of course he’s willing to help, guiding Dean’s cast through an arm-hole of the sleeveless shirt. When Dean’s head pops through the collar, Castiel realizes his mistake. He’s standing in front of an almost naked Dean. Who, in spite of his injuries, does certain things to Castiel’s surprisingly responsive human body. As soon as the shirt is on, Castiel steps back and shoves his hands in the pockets of his jeans to hide one particularly inappropriate reaction.

Unfortunately, he still needs to help with Dean’s pants, so he tries to avoid looking at the man as much as possible, considering he’s eye-level to Dean’s crotch as he holds out the sweats for him to step into. He later takes his time with Dean’s shoelaces, hoping to avoid any more eye contact, until Jody comes back into the room. Then, he lets her take over most of the Dean-handling.

Once back at Jody’s, Castiel helps make sandwiches for lunch. Jody has to go back to work, so she takes hers to go, gives Dean his with some instructions, before rushing out the door. Castiel’s still not quite ready to face Dean yet, so he lingers over the making of his own sandwich, carefully placing meat slices so there is an even meat to cheese and bread ratio with every bite.

Dean is just finishing the first half of his sandwich when Castiel exits the kitchen. He’s obviously enjoying his lunch, and Castiel’s happy to see at least one thing hasn’t changed. He gives Dean his prescribed dose of medication and subjects himself to being watched while eating. It makes him feel self-conscious, and he wonders if that’s why Dean disliked it so much in the past. When Dean is ready to get up, Castiel offers to help, but is reminded of how little use he actually is when Dean declines his offer and gets up on his own, with effort.

It sends him into a spiral of negative thoughts throughout most of Dean’s nap. Is he expected to stay? Should he prepare to leave? Where will he go?

* * *

Later that afternoon, Castiel hears Dean shuffle down the hall, the toilet flush, and later the tub faucet. Castiel knows better than to expect a call for assistance, but keeps his hearing trained in the direction of the bathroom in case of emergency. Some time later, he becomes concerned, since he hasn’t heard any noises from the bathroom. Shouldn’t Dean be done by now?

Standing at the bathroom door, Castiel pauses, listening. There’s the gentle sloshing of water, but otherwise nothing. He knocks. “Dean?”

Hearing Dean respond sends a wave of relief through Castiel, and he rests his forehead on the doorframe. “Just making sure you’re alright in there.”

“I’m fine. Getting out soon, though.”

Ah, good. But if Dean is getting out of the tub, will he need assistance with anything? He should ask, and braces for more rejection. It takes a moment before he asks, “Are you going to need help getting dressed?”

“If I need help I’ll call for you, okay?”

Of course. “Okay. Just be careful.”

Why does it disappoint him so that Dean doesn’t request his assistance? He should be celebrating his resilience and ability to bounce back from injury. Until it’s time to finish preparing dinner, Castiel ponders the nature of human emotions, and how completely irrational they can be.

Thankfully, the awkwardness between him and Dean thaws during dinner in Jody’s presence. Perhaps it’s because he and Jody are able to share a secret smile at watching Dean eat more salad in one sitting than he’s possibly ever had. After dinner, Castiel helps clear the table, put away leftovers, and wash dishes. When he’s finished, he brings Dean his nightly medication and a glass of water.

He’s not expecting Dean to offer a place next to him on the couch. Sitting beside Dean, Castiel watches what appears to be the renovation of a bathroom. He wonders if perhaps it reminds Dean of the year he lived with Lisa. He considers asking Dean if he remembers anything, but holds his tongue. The doctor said they’re not supposed to try to force the memories. It surprises him when Dean brings it up on his own, not due to familiarity, but noticing Castiel’s hesitation. Had Castiel been that obvious, even in his silence? He explains the similarities in as vague terms as possible.

When Dean hands Castiel the remote, he wonders what they should watch. He hasn’t bothered with much television himself, other than the news and a couple afternoon shows. While scrolling through the menu, he spies a show that features monster hunting similar to what the Winchesters do for a living. Is it considered forcing a memory if they watch a fictional story similar to their own lives? Dean notices what he’s paused on, and Castiel rushes to explain his decision. Dean seems willing to watch the show, so he clicks on it.

It’s not what he expected. He can’t say what he was expecting, considering the general population doesn’t know monsters exist and are real, but not… this. Everything’s wrong. Well, maybe not everything. Many monsters do live among the human population undetected. But the way they change form? Castiel supposes this is what he gets for watching fiction.

Dean notices and takes it for a dislike of the show itself. Disappointed that it doesn’t trigger anything for Dean, Castiel tries to explain his discomfiture without giving too much away. Dean seems to accept it, and is so incredibly considerate, that Castiel can’t help a small smile. They continue watching the episode, with Dean falling asleep soon after.

When the show ends, Dean’s head is resting on Castiel’s shoulder, and he can’t bring himself to move. A wave of affection washes over Castiel as he watches the light of the muted television play across Dean’s relaxed features. He’d stay like this all night if he were allowed, but he knows Dean should lie down, and Castiel desperately needs to urinate. Castiel calls Dean’s name until he wakes. Dean apologizes and wipes away some drool, which shouldn’t make Castiel’s heart do strange things in his chest.

After using the bathroom, Castiel assists Dean off the couch and to his room. For a moment, he’s taken aback over Dean’s comment about being weak, almost echoing his nearly constant dismay over his own weakness. But he soon re-focuses on Dean again as he keeps him vertical, reminding himself that his human condition is nothing to the injuries Dean has faced. Now at Dean’s room, Castiel tells him he’s happy to be useful. There's a sorrow behind the words, because as a human, there’s so little he can actually do.

He steps back and Dean is watching him, as if searching for the meaning to something on his face. Dean makes a small pouty expression, and Castiel notices the subconscious tic when he’s trying to figure something out. After a slow blink, Dean leans against the doorframe, dismissing him for the night. But Castiel is reluctant to part just yet, and turns to go back down the hall but pauses.

Dean turns towards the bed and prepares the covers, so Castiel moves to give him privacy, turning off the hall light as he passes the switch. It’s late, so Castiel checks the perimeter of the house, making sure the doors are locked, the salt lines are intact, and that the devil’s trap rugs are in place, then prepares for bed as well.

He may be human now, but he does what he can to make sure that the ones he cares about are safe.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Castiel and Marlene have discussed the events surrounding Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid, as well as when the Leviathan tried using the hospital as a feeding ground in season 7.
> 
> Next chapter will feature Sam, and what he does when he goes to see Kevin at the bunker.


End file.
